The Centre Of My Anxieties
by Pixeh Pixeh Pixeh
Summary: a pretty serious story centred around Anorexia Nervosa, but using the GW characters, cos i'm a crap author and i cant express things properly w/o using familiar characters. posted last chapter and the epilogue, so it's all up. pg13 4 lang & content
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not and never have/will own the copyrights to Gundam Wing and/or any other such production. All of these programmes are available from Bandai Entertainment.  
  
Thank you to all of those who are there for me, but especially to all my dragonflies. Bouncing Beth, Salt, AnAngel, angry red dude, elfgrrl, sk8r Ana, Carla, indigo and all the rest that I don't have space to include. You have all made me feel so welcome and at home. I think about you all the time. I wish you all the best of luck, and I dedicate this fic to you guys.  
  
  
  
The centre of my anxieties.  
  
Part One.  
  
Gazing happily around the table, Quatre asked the question that all the pilots dreaded hearing, but heard anyway ever single day.  
  
''How's the food guys?''  
  
''Hn'' this would be the longest sentence Heero would mutter throughout the course of the meal.  
  
''Good.'' This, also, was a speech, coming as it did from Trowa.  
  
''You do the world of chicken a great justice, friend Quatre.'' Wufei just politely cut up his food and shovelled it into his mouth.  
  
Quatre couldn't help staring at the empty place at the table. Duo was always late for meals, if he showed up at all. It wasn't that he was rude, or that he didn't like Quatre's cooking, he just generally didn't have a large appetite, and he was usually busy with schoolwork most nights. But Quatre still worried about his friend; the American was losing weight, excersing more, and spending more time in his room.  
  
Sighing and folding his napkin into a small neat square, an action that made him feel calm; he stood up and excused himself from the table. He walked away from the dining room and up the two flights of stairs to duo's room on the top floor. Duo got the whole top floor to himself, since he had his gym and astronomy things set up there. Wufei got the second floor, Heero and Trowa, the large first floor, and Quatre had his quarters in the basement rooms, along with the kitchen and dining room. The ground floor had the living room, guest room and guest bathroom.  
  
Once he reached the top of the stairs, Quatre paused. Should he knock on the door and ask duo if he was coming down to dinner? He had asked the question twice before, and both times it had been received by a blank look, and a flat reply. 'I'm busy' was the favourite. That was another thing. Duo was becoming more and more.there was no other word for it, Heero-like. He had stopped being as animated and lively in some ways, but in other ways he seemed more assertive. Like school, for instance, and his love life. In the past two months he had had two girlfriends. One had last two weeks, before duo reported that they 'just didn't see eye to eye on certain subjects'. The other had been going strong for five weeks now.  
  
In the end Quatre just knocked quietly on the door and informed the blaring stereo that dinner had been served, if it was interested.  
  
Making his way down the stairs, Quatre thought that duo might just be having a small identity crisis. Thinking that he had maybe solved the mystery, it was a happier pilot who sat down to his square napkin.  
  
***  
  
"Angela, do you know where Duo is?" Heero approached the girl standing outside the boys bathroom, twirling a purple ball point pen between her fingers.  
  
"Dude, WOULD I be standing outside the guys room if he wasn't in there?"  
  
"Hey kiddo, some people get their kicks like that." Heero delivered this well practised line with a dead pan voice that made it hard to tell if he was joking. He waited for the customary answer, and wasn't disappointed.  
  
"Hey man, it's your lifestyle, I ain't gonna interfere with your 'fun'. Each to his own."  
  
"Catcha later, yeah?"  
  
"Sure sweetie." Heero knew she called everyone sweetie, because her memory was notoriously bad, and it was better than asking everyone's name every time they spoke to her. Well, Heero knew that, but not many other people did. Being friends with Duo meant that he was told (whether or not he wanted to know) certain things about Duo's girlfriend. He pushed into the lil boy's rooms and his eyes swept the front area quickly. Damn, not there.  
  
"Duo, man, you in here?"  
  
"Dude," came a voice from the back of the room. "WOULD there be a hot skinny chick waiting outside if I wasn't?" Heero could almost hear the grin, and there it was, almost preceding duo as he walked out of his cubicle, zipping up his trousers.  
  
"Seriously not cool, referring to her as 'the hot skinny chick'. You make it sound as though girls have to be skinny." Heero waited while duo washed his hands and checked his hair.  
  
"She is a hot skinny chick. " duo stated, flicking the water from his hands at Heero and walking out the room, greeted by a 'hiya' from Angela who immediately put her arm around his waist. "Now what 'ya want? I know you didn't follow me into the bathroom for your own health."  
  
"Yeah, err," Heero glanced at Angela, then gave up. He didn't want to talk to duo in front of her, he thought maybe duo didn't want to have this discussion near his girlfriend, and Heero didn't want that either. "Just wanted to know if you were going to the club tomorrow." He made up, lamely. He already knew that duo was going.  
  
"Yeah, you knew that didn't you? Angie's never been to a club, so I guess she's a club virgin, which means that I will have to be there to make sure she has fun."  
  
"Ah, and to think, my first time will be at a club in Camden that you admittedly couldn't even find until an hour till closing. How romantic." Angela fluttered her eyelashes and gushed sarcastically. Sensing rather than seeing duo's pout, she tiptoed up and planted a kiss on his cheek. "I'm sure I'll love it Hun. Don't sweat it sweetie."  
  
Duo resumed his grin and whirled Angela around so that she was facing him. Stopping for a moment he look deep into her eyes before leaning down to kiss her. Heero just threw his hands up in the air and mumbled something about public indecency in Japanese. Angela just softly bit Duo's lip and giggled, while Mr Maxwell himself decided to annoy Heero even more by putting his hands behind Angela's back and dipping her down in a classic Gomez-and-Morticia-Adams-end-of-dance move. He dipped her down so low that if her hair hadn't been up, it would have swept the floor clean.  
  
"Ok lovebirds, I'm off. Some people actually have lives and not just love lives." With that Heero stalked off and up the stairs that would carry him to the school library. Off course, he had to fight his way past several groups of first years sitting or standing in the corridors. He wasn't used to going to english schools, where all kids from ages 11 to 18 where together. He was used to middle school and junior high school and high school. This change had him annoyed. Why did he have to receive his education with a bunch of pre-pubescent little girls and boys?  
  
Distantly he heard the sound of a raised adult voice coming from the foyer where he had left duo and Angela. Ha! A teacher had caught them. Heero laughed softly to himself, before coming across a gang of twelve year old girls that just stood on the stairs and blacked his way, giggling and nudging each other.  
  
"Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!" he had learnt that shocking this particular species of student worked well, and sure enough, they stood for only a second, looking scandalised, before they scattered.  
  
  
  
***  
  
"Maxwell, are you coming down to lunch or what?" Trowa nudged the shoulder of the pilot, wakening him from the light doze he had been in.  
  
"Wha?" duo yawned and stretched his arms high in the air, pulling his shirt out of his trousers and cracking the dormant muscles in his knuckles.  
  
"Lunch, food, tapas, denrées. Comprenday?" seeing the spaced out look on his friend's face, he gave up and grabbed his rucksack, slinging it over his shoulder. "I'll tell Angela you're here then, if I see her at lunch."  
  
"Cool, cool." Duo lay his head back down on the table and started the strange soft snuffling noise that meant he was getting ready to sleep again. Trowa just growled slightly and made his way out the door.  
  
As he reached his locker at the end of the corridor, his mind was working overtime. Duo had been getting more and more strange lately. He slept through the lessons he didn't care about, but he has constant bags under his eyes. They weren't large, just small blue shadows, but they were still obvious if you knew how duo usually looked. And because Trowa had known duo for about two years, he knew how he usually looked. He was also starting to lose weight, and Trowa had noticed something when duo had stretched in the form room they shared.  
  
His shirt had come out of his trousers and Trowa had taken the opportunity to have a peek at his chest. It wasn't that he was attracted to him, ugh, god forbid, it was just that he had a suspicion and he wanted to confirm it. Sure enough, duo's usually lean body was especially lean, and his ribs where showing very obviously. Trowa could almost feel the chair under him tip and turn 360 degrees, he felt sick seeing his friend like this. No matter what happened, Trowa had to find out what was happening. He suspected that duo had come down with some sort of virus, and that it was slowly depleting his health.  
  
Slamming his locker shut and turning the lock he jumped and dropped his newly acquired books when he saw something that was totally unexpected.  
  
Heero had just entered the library, and there wasn't a teacher standing behind him forcing him to.  
  
  
  
***  
  
"Never seen you here before Yuy." Wufei didn't have to look up from his screen to know that his housemate was standing behind him. Luckily, he had noticed Heero's presence as soon as he entered the room, and had minimised the window on the screen and opened another one to a safe site. The bright colours in the Google sign greeted him.  
  
"Never been in here before, Chang." Replied the pilot. "What are you searching for?"  
  
"Work experience placements." Wufei replied without a pause, typing the words as he said them. He knew this was a lie, and so did Heero, but Yuy didn't ask, so Chang didn't offer. "What are you doing in here?"  
  
"Research. Just looking something up. Do you know where the books on psychology and psychiatry are?"  
  
"They're in the same section as religion and politics, third shelf, fourth shelf and sixth shelf, left column." Wufei knew where everything was, that was the point of being assistant librarian, wasn't it? He didn't like the job, but it meant that he had unlimited Internet access on a private laptop, and since he was seventeen and didn't have to do it, the school paid him. God bless political correctness.  
  
"Why not the fifth shelf?" Heero didn't care, but mindless chit-chat seemed ok for now, as he made his way to the shelves and back, with a armload of books.  
  
"Dunno." Wufei did know, he just couldn't be assed to explain. "Listen, hate to be rude " liar, he thought inwardly " but this isn't the study area, if there's nothing else you want, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."  
  
"It's about duo."  
  
"What about him?" Wufei was more than a little annoyed that Heero had decided to insert himself into duo's business, more for the fact that now he would have to discuss it. Finally giving in, he switched the screen of his laptop off and turning around.  
  
"I think he's sick."  
  
"Maxwell is always sick. He never does his homework, and it's the only way he can get past the teachers. Those women love him, for some reason." Wufei straightened his uniform black trousers and black tie, and leant back with his hand behind his head.  
  
"No, I mean, I think he's got a disease or something. He's wasting away, he's always really tired, and he keeps half collapsing in gym."  
  
Wufei sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He didn't want to get into viruses and stuff right now. "He's grown about ten inches in the last year. His body's just having trouble compensating. When he stops growing his weight will become normal. As for that other stuff, he's probably just a bit flue-y. Now, if there are no further questions, the doctor has double science in ten minutes and needs to find a dog who can eat his homework."  
  
"See you then." Heero looked disappointed, but took the hint and left.  
  
"Phew." Wufei whispered to himself. He switched on his screen and retrieved the minimised window:  
  
"" Status: STUDENT  
  
Student name: MAXWELL, DUO  
  
Sex: MALE  
  
Age: 17  
  
History:  
  
SUNGLASS CAFÉ*  
  
FANFICTION.NET  
  
DISCOVERY ONLINE  
  
UNDERSTANDING FRENCH  
  
UNDERSTANDING SCIENCE, LEVEL 10  
  
Time last logged on: 16:36:45  
  
Duration of stay: 1 hour 48 minutes ""  
  
  
  
That was another perk of his job. Unlimited access to student files.  
  
***  
  
"Hun, do you have the little yellow pills?" Angela leaned over his shoulder and hugged him from behind. Duo was startled out of his daydream by her entrance.  
  
"The xenadrine or the stackers?"  
  
"The xenadrine. I'll get the stackers off you later."  
  
"Sure. I can also get some hydroxycut and yellow jackets if you want." He took four small yellow pills in a popper foil container out of his breast pocket and handed them to her. "Don't take it all at once." He wagged his finger in the air at her.  
  
"I thought yellow jackets and stackers where the same things?"  
  
"Nah, some sort, different brands, I think." Duo picked a pen up and started tapping it against his forehead, his head turned towards his girlfriend with an odd smile. She didn't know it, but he was high on a pill that another friend had given him. He could think normally, but everything just seemed a bit more rosy and happy.  
  
" Did he pack your lunch again for you?" Angela took a seat beside him in their form room and put the foil package into a zip up pocket in her purse, then held his left hand between both of hers. Rubbing them gently she placed her chin on his shoulder. Duo looked into her large green-amber eyes and felt nothing but deep affection. He knew she returned the feelings, and that made him feel so secure and loved and wonderful that he couldn't even find his voice. He just tucked a lock of stray blonde hair behind her ears and pinched her cheek playfully. He had to turn away before he could answer her.  
  
"Yeah," he felt his voice crack slightly, but pretended he was concentrating on the math book which lay in front of him. " It's kinda sweet, he likes cooking and he cooks for us all the time, and now he's started making us lunch. Well, started making me lunch. The other guys all buy their lunch at school. I kept telling him that I was fine and that I could eat after school, but he wouldn't listen, so now I just take it from him and dump it on the walk over here."  
  
"You walk? Still? I thought you gave that up. Well good for you. I'm too lazy. I admire your determination." She punctuated the last word with a slight tap on the nose. And then she leant forward and kissed him full on the mouth, a beautiful hungry kiss that lasted about a lifetime.  
  
"Hmmm, if that's what I get for walking, what will you do for me if I run a marathon?" he teased once they had parted.  
  
"You'll just have to run a marathon and see what you get." She shifted over so that she was practically sitting on his chair. He took the cue and moved his chair away from the table so that she could sit on his lap. They had given up all pretence of being discreet, even in the semi strict school that didn't like the thought of romantic relations. The two boys left in the form room, the only two who hadn't yet gone to lunch, hooted as the couple kissed again, but quieted to only soft wolf whistles and nudges after a growl from duo. Eventually, when they saw they weren't bugging the couple one bit, they picked up their bags and moved off.  
  
'Finally,' thought duo 'some peace. Now we can be around each other without an audience.'  
  
Famous last words.  
  
A moment later, duo heard the sound of the door opening, and saw four boys enter the room. Well, he couldn't see anything, as Angela's hair covered his face, but he felt the shift in atmosphere, and recognised the electricity in the air. Sighing, he softly nibbled Angela's lip, signalling the end of one session. He could feel her growl beneath him, and for a moment thought he saw a glimmer of murderous rage at being interrupted in her eyes. But seeing as how he felt much the same, he chose to ignore it. The worst thing in the world was being interrupted in the middle of a really good kiss, but worse than that was having the interrupters wait around for you to finish.  
  
"What is it guys?" Angela didn't budge from his lap, but instead put her arms around his back and curled up against his chest. He could feel her heart beat erratically through her ribcage, and she could feel his. They liked it this way and darned if they were going to move.  
  
Famous last words.  
  
"Maxwell, we need to talk to you." Heero was the first to speak. When met by the 'yeah, and?' look by duo, he added: "alone."  
  
"No way, why alone? Anything you can say to me-" he couldn't finish before his lips where stopped by Angela's.  
  
"Hun, if they need to talk to you alone, then alone it is. I don't mind leaving. See you in music?" she removed herself from his lap, ignoring the whine that escaped from his throat. She straitened her white short sleeved blouse and black tie, and pulled her short skirt down a bit. She only paused to pull up her above the knee black socks before leaving the room, pausing only to kiss Quatre on the cheek. She always did this, just to see the way he blushed furiously at the attention of the girl. She would never know, but Quatre liked this girl much more than he was willing to admit. But she loved duo, and he wasn't going to risk endangering that relationship.  
  
"Thanks guys, you picked just the right moment, didn't you? Perfect bloody timing." Duo fumed.  
  
"Now or never, Winner." Wufei muttered under his breath and pushed Quatre forward. The blonde Arabian slapped him away and scowled. Turning to duo, he put on a kinder face, and started to walk slowly up to him. When he reached duo he sat down in the chair opposite.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Quatre tried to make the question sound casual, but the atmosphere in the room was so charged that all it served to do was send sparks flying through the air.  
  
"Listen, I know that's not it, so either stop wasting time, or forget the whole thing." Duo was more than angry now, he was suspicious. Seeing the look on Quatre's face he added, "I feel fine! How else would I feel? Bloody hell."  
  
"What have you had to eat today?" Quatre persisted in a quiet voice, knowing that if he got angry or started barking things at him, duo would just close up and not talk at all.  
  
"Huh?" acting as though the question genuinely caught him off guard, he took a few seconds to consider his answer, pretending to the world that he was just confused. The whole 'run, hide but never lie' thing kind of made things awkward sometimes. " Two banana's, and some toast." Well, so what if yellow jackets were nicknamed bananas? He was still telling the truth. Some toast had actually been two nibbles early that morning before his work out, and he had spat them out, but still, he was telling the truth.  
  
"Do you know what anorexia nervosa is, Duo?" Quatre didn't want to say it, but it was dragged out of his mouth by his compassion for a friend whom he could see was teetering on the edge.  
  
This time the look of surprise on duo's face was genuine. He had expected everything but that. 'You're a drunk. 'You're a drug addict' 'you're a frigging alien from planet vesuveus!' he had expected anything but 'you have an eating disorder'  
  
"Yeah, it's when fat girls diet, isn't it?" trying to act as though he was just plain dumbass, he squinted up at the clock.  
  
Quatre turned around to face the other boys, all of whom were standing there, mouths gaping, jaws moving in silent speech. None of them had expected this, none of them had known that this was going to happen. Quatre had told them that they needed to speak to duo, and all of them had their own idea's what it was about, but to bring it outright into the open?  
  
"Come on guys, " he chided softly, "you knew what this was about. Don't act shocked. I was on the trail of this thing about three months ago. I know that Wufei has been figuring it out for two and a half, although I don't really agree with his methods, " Wufei blushed, thinking about his hacking. "Heero came next, then Trowa. We all got there our own ways, but I think we all came to the same conclusion." The boys all looked at duo, their confusion and inability to deal with what was going on clear on their faces. Wufei turned a nervous laugh into a hacking cough, but his embarrassment was clear enough. Yes, they were embarrassed. Duo couldn't believe it.  
  
"What? WHAT? Why are you all looking at me like that? Jesus, can't a guy just be left in peace?"  
  
"Duo, you're sick, you need help."  
  
"I don't need any help, I'm perfectly fine."  
  
I'm perfectly fine.  
  
Everything's perfectly fine.  
  
***  
  
ok, tell me what you think. Can I just request that people are gentle about their reviews though. I understand that some people are not prone to agree with my lifestyle, but would you please respect me enough as a human being that you don't bash my eating disorder in your review. Reviews are for the story, not the person. If you want to tell me that I'm a fat cow who's going to hell, feel free, but put it in your email to me, don't put it in your review. Thank you for respecting my choice and the tremendous amount of courage I had to muster just to post this. All my love, Ana Angel 


	2. part two

Ok, I totally know I shouldn't have changed the style of writing, but it was just a little bit easier for me to write in this style as opposed to the one I used in the first chapter. It allows the storyline to come across a little clearer. I hope it's not too difficult for all the millions of readers reading this ^_^  
  
Thanks to all of the people who reviewed, I really really appreciate it. Again, thanks to the dragonflies who have supported me while I write this, and who were nice enough to act excited when I finished this chapter. This fic is dedicated to you guys.  
  
~*Angela*~  
  
"Move your ass. I swear to god, I'm not losing this game." I hissed it in her ear as she passed me, tripping over her own feet. Damn, she's going to lose this game for us.  
  
Sighing, I tossed Elizabeth the ball, urging her to just toss it over the other team to the 'queen'. She took the ball, dropped it, and picked it up quickly, throwing it right into the middle of the other team. I screeched and clutched my head. The other team cheered. They threw it over our heads and their king caught it easily. Another of them went across. But Trowa fumbled the ball and I snatched it out of the air. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my body, the only thing that was keeping me going.  
  
"Yes!" my team cheered me on. Now it was just Elizabeth and me. Do I get myself to the other side, or do I give her another chance to let the other team win?  
  
"Yes!" my team cheered as Elizabeth tossed the ball to our queen and she caught it. She gave me a thumbs up as I jogged fast around my half of the hall. I was now the only defence for my team. There were five members left on the boy's team, so if I got myself across, we win, but if I was the only one on my side, I had no chance of catching a single ball.  
  
"Camilla, just get the bloody ball! Jump high!" my team shouted help and tips at me, trying to help me get across.  
  
"I'm 5'4, how am I supposed to jump up ten feet in the air?"  
  
I was positive my luck had run out. Feeling helpless I just ran fast around the hall, tearing along the dividing line and hoping that one of the boys would fumble the ball and it'd roll onto my side.  
  
"Ok girls, time is up. Camilla's team wins! Now go get changed!" the teacher blew the whistle and the boys hissed; feeling jousted out of a game they thought they had won. I was so elated that I bounced up and down. A familiar voice called out to me and I turned around, standing still.  
  
But I couldn't stand still, because the whole world was tilting upside down. I fell to the floor as my legs gave way beneath me. The floor spun up and slammed into my side, I can't understand it, what is going on? I heard voices around me, shouting. Someone screams and I could hear the sounds of feet thundering on the floor. But my brain just caved in as his strong arms lifted me up and carried me.  
  
*******  
  
"Camilla?" his voice is muffled, like I'm underwater, or he's wearing a facemask with padding. Crazy images of Duo wearing a pillow over his face dance through my mind. In my daydream I am a mermaid, tail flicking and ribs showing, my long hair covering his face as I kiss him. I smile, as I feel his lip brush mine.  
  
"Camilla, are you awake?" his voice is sharp now, and my sides hurt. I can feel something in my mouth. I try and sit up so I can spit it out, but he puts only the lightest pressure on my shoulders and I am unable to get up. I start to panic and I try to thrash around, but I can barely move; my muscles have deserted me. "Don't try to get up. Here," he puts his arms around me and holds my head while lifting me into a sitting position. He takes a tube out of my mouth and I feel like he's ripped out my throat. As I sob quietly he just holds me.  
  
"Where am I? Why did you bring me here? Have I missed English?" questions rush through my mouth, but they come out stuttered and rasping.  
  
"You're in the medical wing. I thought you'd been here before. I brought you here because you collapsed, and you've woken up in time for fifth period. But you're not going." He looks deep into my blue yes with his purple ones, and I see something stern there, anger maybe? "What have you eaten today?"  
  
"I.I had some, some.. Just stuff Duo. Just some stuff. I'm tired."  
  
"Tell me the truth." I try to lean against him, try to catch the smell of his body, the smell of the boy I love. But he holds me away, and my weak body puts up no resistance. I see with some surprise that I am wearing a hospital gown, and I was lying in a hospital bed. The long ward s blocked out by screen curtains. Duo is sitting on the bed next to me, wearing his usual outfit, jeans and a button down black shirt, but he's also wearing this expression that I've never seen before on him. This expression of hurt and betrayal and, anger, again.  
  
"Duo, tell me where I am? Please? I'm scared."  
  
"You're in a special hospital. Please just answer the question. Please Angela. For me, ok?"  
  
"Don't call me that! I told you! That's, that's not my name anymore." I realise I'm kidding myself, but what can I do? When your only chance of escaping yourself is becoming another person, what else are you supposed to do?  
  
"Ok, ok" he holds me against him again. I feel safer, but as the nurse comes in and ushers him away I feel small again. As she takes the needle and slides it into my arm I can only lay on my side, not looking at it, and cry for myself.  
  
*****  
  
~*Duo*~  
  
Tell me then, what am I supposed to do? I got her off the pills and off the diets. Well, I thought I got her of them. But when she won't even speak to me properly how am I supposed to react.  
  
"Duo," the nurse whispers to me. "Would you like to stay here? I can allow you maybe ten minutes, but then I'm afraid you'll have to leave. Visiting hours closed an hour ago." She looks at me in that blank yet compassionate way that the nurses here have been looking at me for years now. Like they're saying 'he's got some kind of habit' or 'he'll die, wish I could fatten him up.' It annoys me, but I'm learning to ignore it, get on with living my life.  
  
"Yes, I'd like that very much. Thank you Doris." I know her well. She was the nurse that looked after me on my first trip to the hospital. It's seems like ages ago now, but it's still pretty clear in my mind. I had taken too many laxatives before a party, and I hadn't eaten anything. I started drinking and popping pills. When I woke up I was in hospital after having my stomach pumped. Doris was there, checking my pulse and making sure all the tubes where in place. I, like Angela, had almost choked on the tube running down into my stomach, pumping liquid food into me. But she held my hand until Trowa and Quatre came, and then she let me take it out to talk to them.  
  
"Ok duo. You just take care of her. She's pretty, and she doesn't need all the things that you made yourself put up with. Look after her, ok?"  
  
"Yeah Doris. Thanks." She left, and instead of going back in to see Angela, I just stayed sitting on the bed I was in. she was crying now, I could hear it. But what was I supposed to do? When someone changes their whole identity and personality to escape something that's impossible to escape, then wont tell you about it, what are you supposed to say to them? What possible words are there?  
  
So I just sat there, on the edge of an empty bed, and wept for her.  
  
*****  
  
~*Quatre*~  
  
"Do you think we should get her a get well present?" I'm trying to think of what could possibly cheer up a person in a hospital. Having been in one, I should know, but my sister was there and it was in the middle of a war, not the most normal circumstances. "Like a fluffy animal or a CD or something?"  
  
"I dunno. Where's everyone else?" I know Duo doesn't want to talk about the whole thing, and I understand. When my father died all I wanted was peace, or revenge. But Camilla isn't dead, and there is no reason for him to just ignore the matter altogether. But I suppose I can't force him to speak about it.  
  
"Heero's gone out with Faye and Wufei and Trowa are shopping for playstation games. Oh yeah, Gerry said could you possible go over to his place and pick up something. He said that you ordered a package of TWW and he can't store them anymore."  
  
He is mildly interested in this information, for oh maybe, a nanosecond? Then he turns his attention once more back to the computer screen. He's been typing for days, non-stop almost, since she woke up, and everyone wants to know what he's typing but he won't tell us.  
  
"Ok, tell him if he stops by I'll be free on Tuesday next week. Have we got any Ex-Lax?" this remark totally throws me, until I see his (very weak) smile over the top of the laptop.  
  
"Not funny man. Really not funny." I look at him. He's laughing a bit. That's one thing at least. So I just rolled my eyes, slid lower down on the sofa, and let the remark pass.  
  
"Ok, I'll quit making 'jokes'. But seriously, can you get me a drink?" he gives me this look, like, I don't know. Like he's up to something, but he doesn't want me to know. So I just look at him.  
  
"What d'you want? We got coke, lemonade, coffee, water, blah blah blah. What'll it be?"  
  
"What alcohol have we got?" now I know something up. Duo drink, ok, I'll grant you that. But not usually at two in the afternoon. Usually, at two in the afternoon he's outside, playing basketball and drinking water. Except for the past week or two, since Angela or Camilla or whatever she's calling herself got into the hospital, he hasn't been going outside too much. In fact, he hasn't really been to keen on anything. And the last three days since he went to visit her, all he's been doing is listening to the radio and typing on his computer. And trust me. Listening to Clive Warren and the typing of computer keys until three in the morning isn't exactly my idea of how to spend a night in bed. But I'm not going into what my idea of a good night in bed is.  
  
"Um, I don't know. Why don't you just check the liquor cabinet?" when he just looked at me and didn't make a move I got up and went toward it. "Why don't I just do it for you? It's not like I was doing anything important. Like, say, you know writing articles so I can keep my job or anything." I carried on talking, almost to myself as I turned my back on him and bent down to look in the cabinet. But suddenly I didn't feel good. If it were a movie, the scary music would be coming on. I felt kind of like the person in the film who everyone hates, because everyone else knows what's about to happen, and that the person in the movie is gonna be a dumbass and walk straight into a trap. So I turned around really quickly. Duo was still sitting there, his fringe was in his eyes and he was just looking at me, this blank expression on his face. He was biting the inside of his cheek, which made me nervous. I read somewhere that when someone bites the inside of their cheek it usually means they're thinking of something either dangerous, or sad. But what can you do when you got no proof against a guy? So I just turned back around and started reading the labels on the bottles.  
  
"Um.. You got Jack Daniel's, Baileys, Jose Cuervo, Southern Comfort, Archers, Bristol Cream.wait a minute." Then I had to reach really far back, because I couldn't see the labels or anything on the bottles. So I'm reaching around, scrabbling in the cupboard, making one hell of a noise. And then I get an idea. What if he was waiting for this moment when I was making a lot of noise to make his move? So I turn around, and he's moved. Ok, so he moved about a foot to the left and that was it. But he still moved. Then he just said;  
  
"It's ok. I'm actually just gonna go for a walk. See you." So just like that, he turns off his laptop (not before activating the password protect), gets up, grabs his jacket, and leaves. I want to do something, go after him and kill him or something. But what am I supposed to do? When your best friend won't talk to you about his girlfriend being in hospital, and then he starts acting weird, what is a guy supposed to do?  
  
So I just sat there and uncapped a bottle of Jack Daniel's.  
  
*******  
  
~*Angela*~  
  
They're giving me food. So much food. It's just like they're trying to make me choke to death on the disgusting hospital slop that they serve here. I mean, if it was gourmet food, specially prepared by a chef from France, I still wouldn't touch it. But mashed potato's and gravy with peas? Yuck!  
  
They won't even let Duo come to see me, although Doris understands and sneaks him in now and again. He wont bring me pills or anything, but he did bring me a bottle of laxatives that I managed to hide under my pillow until Doris gave me another shot and they found it.  
  
I haven't been getting any visitors, mostly because everyone from school is too afraid to come and see me. I don't know why. Victoria came to visit but only the once. After that she phoned and said that her mother had said she didn't like her going down to the hospital. As if.  
  
At least I have the ward more or less to myself. There's only Julianne James Michael and me. Julianne and me don't get along very well, because in the first couple of days I was here she wouldn't speak to me. I made some remark or other, and she took serious offence. I think I asked her whether she was anorexic or bulimic. She's in denial, wont acknowledge that she has a problem.  
  
Michael's a sweetie. He defended me, saying I was so jacked up on morphine and cough syrup that I probably didn't know what I was talking about. He's in the bed three down from me, and at night he usually lets me listen to the radio on his Walkman. He's into really cool music, like 3 Doors Down and Finch. He once confided in me that when he was thirteen, he liked Hanson. I promised I wouldn't tell a soul. Well, I promised that when I stopped hyperventilating from laughter I wouldn't tell a soul.  
  
James is ok, I guess. He's really hot, and has a gorgeous body, perfectly thin. He must be about 92 lbs. He's even thinner than Duo. Which is kind of the problem. He's been in the hospital almost solidly for about three years. He keeps Od'ing on diet pills and having heart attacks, so now they just keep him in and wont let him out. Well, when Duo came to visit me I noticed James totally eyeing him up. I thought it was just cos maybe James was gay and thought my boyfriend was totally hot, which he is. But when duo left James started totally cutting into me, talking about what a bastard Duo was, and how dare I bring him in here. Well, how was I supposed to know that James and Duo had been in the same wards a couple of year's back? I defended Duo, but James told me some stuff I didn't know. I'm not going into it, but at last we agreed to disagree. Now James just leaves the ward if I tell him Duo's coming, and we get along ok.  
  
James gave Michael and me all these cassettes and we hooked up the Walkman to some speakers the hospital gave us. So during the day we lie there and talk, or we sing along to whatever is playing on the cassette at that moment in time. As a room, our favourite is 'When it's over' by Sugar Ray, it's kind of our anthem now. But Michael loves 'Summer girls' by LFO. James jokes that the line 'I think it's fly when girls drop by for the summer, for the summer' is all about seasonal anorexics and bulimics. They're the ones who 'get' an eating disorder for certain seasons, like they crash diet for the summer weather so they can wear skimpy outfits, then when they collapse they claim they have an eating disorder. James would know. He says there are three girls who have done this for the last two years.  
  
There used to be a girl in here called Amelia. She left about four days after I woke up. They told us that she moved to a different part of the hospital to recover. But Doris told us that she really died. We all felt really bad, cos she was only twelve. She didn't even really understand what was wrong with her, and it scared her a lot. She would eat, but almost immediately she would run to the bathroom and start throwing it all up. She could throw up without even using her fingers, she would just contract her stomach muscles and retch, and it would all come out. They strapped her into her bed to stop her running to the bathroom. Michael told me about it, because it was before I came to the hospital. They strapped her arms to the side of her bed, and her legs to the end. Then they made her eat. They thought that it would help, cos she wouldn't be able to run to the toilet and puke. But she just did her little trick and it all came up. Michael said that it gave the whole room an excuse not to eat for the next three days, so everyone was thankful to Amelia. When she left and we found out what had happened we cried for her. It was sad to see someone so young dying of something she didn't even understand.  
  
But what can you do? She was young, yeah, but she had the same problem as the rest of us, so we mourned for a bit. Then we just forgot, and moved on with our lives. 


	3. part three

Blah blah blah. The usual BS, I don't own Gundam wing, I don't own Celine Dion (thank god), I don't own anything. Because it's just after Christmas and I have no money, I'm asking you very nicely NOT to sue me.  
  
A/N: um, I have family over, and I get limited time on the computer. That's my excuse for why this fic is coming out so screwed up. I seem to be jumping from present tense to past tense, from first person to third person. If my english teacher read this, he might have a heart attack from the amount of times he'd have to correct my grammar. Actually, I think I might hand this in to him, whats I little heart attack between a teacher and his pupil? Also, compared to the other two, this chapter is micro short, but my muses demanded a three-day vacation, so I was left powerless when writing it. If any body doesn't mind sharing their muses, I would be very grateful to you for allowing me to borrow them.  
  
Chapter three  
  
~*Duo*~  
  
I felt really bad when I found out she was in the same ward as James. I mean, that guy is seriously bad news. He's as big a bully as they come, and I didn't want to leave her alone with him. He would really chew her up about it. But I think we came to a reasonably acceptable rota of visits and stuff.  
  
Of course, school was hard. Every morning Quatre had to drag me out of bed half an hour before the bell went. I didn't want to go, and I hated being there. Every single centimetre in that place reminded me off her. Her locker was near my art classroom, so every art lesson I had to queue up and stand next to her locker, breathing in her smell. It seeped through the metal and came to haunt me, winding around me and making sure that I couldn't, not for one second, forget her. She followed me in my lessons, her empty seat next to mine reminding me what I had done to her.  
  
Since the headmistress had agreed not to tell anyone the real reason behind her hospital treatment, there were a lot of rumours. Her friends all knew more or less what it was, but they didn't know about her eating disorder, so they were just told that a few pills were found in her bag. They made up their own course of events surrounding that one nugget of information. So most of the rumours centred around Angela being a druggie who had OD'd during school and variations were added onto that. Like, she was in a coma; she had started dealing to the first years and that was the reason one of them had had dropped out; she had escaped from the hospital and flown to America; you know, the usual.  
  
It's ridiculous the extent that humans beings will go to to hurt each other. Angela was beautiful, popular and well loved within the school community. But people began to forget, to remember only the bad things. They began to turn on her. I like to think it was jealousy, and I think that was most of it. But also I think, people began to see things about her that they just hadn't noticed before. Even I started to be able to put pieces together that I hadn't before.  
  
What I was thinking scared me, but I couldn't help it. I was susceptible to what everyone else is doing, but the difference was that I knew more.  
  
  
  
~*Heero*~  
  
She was dying. Well, if she wasn't dying, she was almost dead. A bit of a dramatic sentence opener, considering this is me and all, but I don't like to mince words. Those are the facts. She's dying.  
  
I'm going to go out of character for a minute, and show emotion. Don't be shocked, don't gasp or scrabble for air. Just listen to me.  
  
Every time Duo came back from a visit to the hospital, I saw something in his eyes. If I had been his brother or someone close to him, I probably would have been able to decipher on my own what it was. But all I know was that it got worse every time he came back. I consulted with Quatre about this. He was most in touch with Duo and he knew most about what was happening. He got back to me and said that what I could see was a reflection of Angela's condition in Duo's eyes. I thought this was total bullshit, until I looked closer. I felt weird, like a stalker. For a minute I wondered if Relena had felt that way when she was so intent on making me see her side. What I could see in Duo's eyes was nothing. But it was more than that. It was absence.  
  
This is where we get to the soppy emotional crap. Hold on to your seats and try not to laugh. I may have to shoot you if you do.  
  
It was an absence of the light and laughter that had been there before. It was an absence of sun. It was an absence of his essence, everything that had made him Duo. More than that even, an absence of everything that made Angela, Angela.  
  
So from this I drew my own conclusions. Even if no one else could see it, I knew that Angela was dying. Kind of like telling the future. I find it funny to this day that I can tell what someone will do just from looking at their eyes. Don't believe me? I can prove it. I once studied Quatre's eyes, just for fun. There was delight in them. The kind of strange weird delight that only comes from a girl. Sure enough, the next week he brought home a new girlfriend.  
  
Ha. I may be an emotional vacuum with no feelings, but I'm not stupid. 


	4. part four

Roses are red, violets are blue, me no own, so you no sue! ^_^  
  
A/N: I would like to thank and dedicate this chapter to Juliet and Vampire, both of whom held my hand and let me cry when I go my 12.5. It was scary for me, but you two were ultra cool and I could never hope for better friends. Thank you.  
  
  
  
~*Angela*~  
  
Ok, maybe I am a little drunk. It just makes it easier to do. I mean, if someone you shared a room with died, and that little thing changed your life, wouldn't you want something at least, to 'ease the pain'?  
  
I don't know how she did it, but props to Jolene, for managing to kill herself. I mean, it was a truly spectacular performance. One minute, she's fine and dandy, speaking to me for the first time in ages, laughing and dancing. Then, with wonderful theatrics, she dies. And I mean really brilliant. First, she went pale, and staggered around. Then she grabbed Michael, clutching onto his robe and grabbing his shoulders. Then, when he carried her over to her bed, running and calling for the nurse, she turned to me. I could see that her right eye had gone totally red, all around. Her pupil wasn't moving, and it was seeping tears of blood. Her lips were blue, and her whole face was tinged blue. It was like she was blushing blue blood. Then she just said  
  
"Well, I guess this is it."  
  
Then, she died. I mean she just totally started foaming at the mouth and her eyes went really wide and her right hand, the one nearest me, dropped off the edge of the bed. A movie company couldn't have staged it better. Well, they would have had the music and the voice over and shit, but it wouldn't have been half as cool. If I could choose anyone as a death mentor, it would totally be Jolene.  
  
The whole ward (all three of us) was invited to the funeral, on account of the fact that Jolene had put in her diary that we were her best friends and we were the only ones who understood her. I was totally mad, cos if I died I wouldn't want anyone to read my diary. Which is why I have written out a list of the people I want at my funeral.  
  
Back to me being hammered.  
  
After the funeral, we went to a party. The hospital let us go because Doris said that her nephew would be there and he would look after us. Of course, we had to get rid of the nephew, so we bribed him, but he wouldn't go away. We tried everything, and eventually James was like well, why don't you, kiss him or something? I knew he didn't mean kiss the guy. He meant I should sleep with him. Well, it was a cool party. What was I supposed to do? Looking back, it was a totally stupid decision, but I suppose I cant take it back, so whats the point in worrying about it?  
  
To make a long story short, we went to the party, minus nephew.  
  
It was cool there, but we were only interested in one thing.  
  
Booze. Alcohol. Shots. The really good stuff.  
  
There was tonnes of it at the party, and we took full advantage. Of course, if you're gonna drink, why bother with the wimpy option? You're gonna go for the hardcore stuff, the stuff that you know is going to dull whatever noise is going on in your head. Fortunately, the liquor cabinet was well stocked with whisky and tequila. So I sat in Michael's lap, with my head on his shoulder, while James poured us shot glass after shot glass of amber liquid. By the time we got round to the tequila, we'd been solidly downing the whisky for about half an hour. It was around then that I started noticing a change in myself. I wasn't drunk, just, different. Me left leg went a bit fuzzy, and my arms felt heavy. My fingers were fat and pudgy, and it felt weird standing up. I stretched and suggested to Michael that we should go to the bathroom.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Dude, do you know how many calories we've swallowed? If we don't purge we'll put on about a million pounds." I grabbed his stomach and put my left arm around his waist. I tickled him "and you don't want a beer belly, do you?"  
  
All the colour totally drained form his face. "Lets go."  
  
He let me go first, holding my now long hair as I leaned over the bowl, expelling the alcohol from my body. Then he asked if he would be able to do his alone. I thought it was weird, but I didn't have a problem with it. So I waited outside while he purged all the disgusting things that he'd consumed. While I was waiting someone came up to me and asked if Michael was in the bathroom. What happened next was weird. Without even thinking I replied  
  
"Dude, would I be waiting outside here if he wasn't." and then it hit me. I loved Michael. Maybe not the same as I loved Duo, but I loved him in some capacity.  
  
Someone offered me something in a glass. It was electric blue, and looked really cool. So I downed it and laughed. It tasted like liquorice. I remembered the taste from ages and ages ago. The last time I had had any was when I was about 9, just before I got my eating disorder. I didn't know it, but that was the moment my whole life changed.  
  
"Are you there, Sweets?" Michael was calling from inside the bathroom.  
  
"Sup?" I answered, turning towards the door.  
  
"I think we should go. I'm not sure James is doing too well. He looked slammed last time I saw him."  
  
" 'Kie dokie. Just lets dance a bit first." He came out, and he didn't have his shirt on. His ultra buff pecs shone out at me.  
  
"Just us two?" he inquired, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the dance floor, totally oblivious to the fact that I was staring at his body.  
  
"Yeah" I whispered.  
  
He pulled me close to him, and I wrapped my arms loosely around his neck. I closed my eyes and cocked my head to the side, just drinking in his aura. It was a fast song, but we swayed slowly, side to side, turning around on the spot.  
  
"Angela,"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I think I love you."  
  
"No Michael," I put my head on his shoulder and opened my eyes, I could feel my tears as I listened to his heart, like I used to do with Duo. "You're in love with the idea of me."  
  
"Well anyway, you're my best friend."  
  
That was really cool. But the problem is he was holding me up. Maybe he hadn't noticed, because he was naturally about six inches taller than I was and he has holding me off the floor anyway, but my legs had collapsed. The whole world was spinning around and it felt like it had in the gym, everything rushing up really close to me. Then he let go and I fell to the floor. My eyes fluttered around, and I could feel him tapping my face, yelling to me to answer him. Then, I heard a familiar voice. Duo was there. He started yelling at Michael, asking him what I'd taken, what Michael had given me. Michael just stood there, stuttering and saying that we'd only had the whisky, that we hadn't touched any drugs of any kind.  
  
Duo came closer and leaned down, and I could smell him. I smiled and he put his arms around me, then put one arm under my knees and carried me into a room, laying me gently onto the bed. I came around a bit then, but not much  
  
"Angela," he seemed to be speaking to me from a long way away. "Angela!"  
  
"Duo, Duo." I giggled at my joke.  
  
"Angela, what have you taken?" Duo was sitting next to me, holding my head up and cradling me.  
  
"Noth- nothing'. Just got rid of the last of the, the, the," my mind went off track then, and everything seemed to get very clear. I could see everything about Duo, his bangs hanging over his wonderful brilliant cobalt eyes, his gold earring just glinting in the dim light, his gorgeous nose and his lovely, full lips.  
  
"Kiss me Duo. Now. Please?" I sat up on my own, leaning back on my elbows and arching my back. "I love you so so much." I sat up straight, put my right hand on his cheek and kissed him gently on the lips, then rained angel kisses down on his face. Somewhere in the background someone had a Celine Dion song on repeat. It had been playing for about ten minutes, but I only noticed it then.  
  
"No, Angela, you're drunk." Was his whispered answer, but I could tell he was just being polite. He knew where that kiss would lead, and he had told me before that he wasn't going to sleep with me until we were both ready.  
  
"Please? I know what I'm doing, what I'm asking for." And at the time I did.  
  
So very carefully, I kissed him again, and he kissed me back. I started leaning backward and his body followed mine. I took my shaking hands down and tugged his top softly over his head. I could feel his ribs, and his six pack felt hard and sturdy. I ran my hands along his back, feeling for his spine. It was there, the bones jutting out for me to feel. He in turn ran his hand under my top. He pulled it over my head and discarded it onto the floor. He took in my body, drinking in the sight of me, as I did him. Then he took his trousers off, and they puddled on the floor. He was still wearing his boxers when he put one leg over both of mine. He lowered himself and kissed me again. It was a soft kiss, and when I playfully bit him on the lip I could feel him smile against my mouth.  
  
It was so wonderful, so blissful, just lying there with him kissing me and holding me. I got really happy and really sleepy. He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek, and I smiled against him. He whispered in my ear  
  
"Love you, Angela, and one day I'll make love to you, but not now. Ok?"  
  
"Ok." I smiled. Everything seemed perfect to me, and the fact that I had presented Duo with exactly what he wanted, and he had turned me down, seemed too wonderful for words. I was listening to the words of the song playing in the background, and I started to repeat them, for no real reason, save that they seemed to fit the situation.  
  
"Hush now, I see the love in your eyes, Oh, it's almost blinding me, I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love. Let the rain come down and wash away my tears, Let it fill my soul and drown my fears."  
  
"Angela?" I could feel him smiling against my neck, and he lay down beside me, on his side with his arm over my stomach.  
  
"Duo?" I turned my back so that it was pressed lightly against his front, and I closed my eyes and held the hand that was around me.  
  
"I think you're a little bit crazy. In the head." He smiled and kissed me again, on my shoulder.  
  
"You know it sweets. As crazy as you or I, yet not as crazy as they."*  
  
Then I just fell asleep. When I woke up I was back in the hospital, Michael was in the bed next to mine, instead of six beds away, and Duo was sleeping in the chair next to my bed.  
  
I lay there for a long time, just looking at him, my hands curled under my head and my eyes staring. Eventually the sunlight began to seep through the windows, and I gently reached down and held duo's hand. It seemed to me that he tightened it gently around my own, and with the reassurance that he would always be by my side, no matter what, I fell asleep.  
  
***********  
  
Okie dokie, this chapter just proves beyond a reasonable doubt that I have gone mad. BTW, I was really really drunk when I wrote Angela's thing, so I cannot be held accountable for the content. You would not believe how atrocious my spelling was, and how much time I spent just correcting everything I'd written.  
  
I used the Celine Dion song because it (as well as 'Hero' by Chad Kroeger and Josie Scott, and 'Never Ever' by All Saints) is the song that I always associate with Duo and myself. I once considered explaining in a fic why, but I found that I just couldn't be arsed.  
  
Also, it would just scare the readers beyond belief, because they would be seeing the little movie thingys that I make up in my head. The voices in my head are fun and interesting, but only to me. To most other people, they are just plain SCARY.  
  
* This is a quote from an essay I wrote about my experience with Anorexia Nervosa. I cant post the essay, because it isn't a fic, therefore ff.net will not allow me to post it. Although I doubt anybody would want to, you may use this quote in your fic, just ask me first. If you would like to read the essay (I know there are some people who find these things interesting) then please just give me your email address in a review, and I will be glad to send it to you. 


	5. part five

~*Duo*~  
  
If you had to do something, but you didn't want to do it, didn't see a reason why you had to do it, couldn't understand why anyone should make you do it, would you resist, or just do what you had to do?  
  
I guess I'm stalling. I'm outside Angela's room. Camilla's room. She's making everyone call her Camilla again. I guess that means its started again. I don't want to go in. I just want to stay outside in this corridor forever, waiting to be admitted, but never entering.  
  
Have you ever been alone? Really and truly alone? Have you ever been so alone for so long that you wonder whether or not you're dreaming? And then you realise you're not, and you wonder if the whole world is gone and it's only you. It's like that for me all the time now. I can be sitting in class, but I won't hear anything, except for her voice in my head. I'll be replaying a conversation we had at some point, or listening to her singing. And I'll look around and there'll be nobody there. They're all sitting there, thinking or writing or talking or whatever, but they're not really there. I'll be all alone in the room, with only her voice in my head.  
  
Or I'll be at lunch. But everything is moving really really slowly. It feels like someone has turned the volume down and put everything on slow motion. People are shouting and laughing and talking to me and all I can hear is the soft sound of her laughter in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy, sometimes I just enjoy a muted world.  
  
So right now I'm outside her room, and I cant hear anything, and there's no one in the corridor, just me, and I'm wishing that I wouldn't have to move. I like it here just fine. The hard chair is not hurting me, although I know I'll feel pain if I move I'll feel the plastic digging into my spine. All I want to do is sit outside here not moving. And I want to cry. Because I have to go in there and kill my girlfriend.  
  
  
  
~*Hilde*~  
  
I can see him sitting in his chair outside her room. He's not moving which is the first thing to tell me something is wrong. Duo never stops moving. Whether he's drumming his fingers on the table or using his fingers as drumsticks against his legs, he's always moving.  
  
So I guess that's what led me to see the next out of place thing. He was wearing his old outfit. The priest look. He never dresses like that. His style is baggy jeans and a stupid T-shirt. And he's wearing his cap. He doesn't wear his cap, it reminds him too much of the war.  
  
"'Sup?"  
  
"Nothing." He doesn't want to talk to me. I can understand that. He's a guy, I'm a girl, and he may not want to say some stuff to me. But I try again anyway.  
  
"You can tell me, you know."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
"So, tell me? Is it about Camilla?" I knew Camilla from school. She was ok, but I wasn't friends with her. I guess I was a bit bitter about her having Duo. I liked the guy, a lot. But I will admit that those two suited each other right down to the ground. Both had the same sense of humour. "cos I don't mind if you tell me whats on your mind, even about her."  
  
"Kind of about her. Guess I'm just tired mainly. Why are you here?"  
  
Ek. I hadn't really prepared an alibi. I had mainly come to see if I could squeeze gossip from Camilla, or Duo. "To see her. I guess enough is enough. I shouldn't be bitter or anything. Just came to give her some flowers." I held up the bunch of carnations I'd bought at the gift shop, as though that verified my story. But he looked surprised.  
  
"Bitter? Why should you be bitter towards her? Don't you two get along or something?" he honestly didn't know. Jesus, boys can be so dense.  
  
"Never mind." I rolled my eyes, exasperated. Suddenly, I didn't want to be around for very much longer. "Tell you what, you give these to her. I just remembered that I have to go pick up Faye from her job. Will Heero be home now?"  
  
"Yeah. Should be." He sunk back into his reverie, and accepted the flowers I tossed at him. I guess I threw them with a bit more force than I had intended, because he looked up at me with a weird look.  
  
"Hilde? Are you. mad at me? Did I do something to offend you?" he looked genuinely confused.  
  
"No, you're just. Duo, I guess. You confuse me, but I'm used to it." I figured he'd ask me more if I hung around so I just bent down and kissed him on the cheek. I felt him blush, but his skin was ice cold. "See ya around, Duo. See ya around." I waved goodbye to him as I pushed through the doors at the end of the corridor. Shit. I still didn't have any gossip to tell Faye. Oh well, she was going o have to ask Heero, because I was fed up sniffing around.  
  
~* Angela/ Camilla *~  
  
"Michael! Stop that!" I screamed, gasping for my breath. When I looked at him he had this sheepish look on his face and he was blushing.  
  
"Ok. I will." He said, then he just moved back to his bed. I looked at him, then at James, pretending to sleep with his back to the door. But I could see his face. He was laughing and gesturing wildly underneath the bedclothes at the door.  
  
I bit my lip and put my hands on my hips, still facing the outside window with my back to the door.  
  
"Duo, " I said, in a very false stage whisper "is standing right behind me, looking shocked, isn't he?"  
  
Unable to keep his mouth shut any longer, James sat up and pushed the bedclothes down, annoyingly piping up " indeedy doody!"  
  
"Well, I'm sorry. I seem to have. interrupted something. I'll be leaving now..." Duo sounded shattered, shocked, and scandalised. I turned around and ran towards him.  
  
"No! It's not what you think! We were doing ballet and Michael was supposed to be lifting me, but I started tickling him and he was just tickling back. It was all perfectly innocent." I looked at him with big doe eyes. "I promise. Girl scouts honour."  
  
"Ang- Camilla, you were never a Girl Scout." He reminded me.  
  
"Well Inspector Crusoe, " I scolded "the thought's what counts."  
  
"Hn." God, he was starting to remind me of how Heero used to be. No fun, all serious and. quiet.  
  
"Come on hun, why you being like this?" I glided forward and put my arms around his waist, running my fingers along his ribs. "Don't you love me no more?" I looked up at him again, but there was something weird going on. His body had remained stiff under my arms, and he wasn't even looking at me. He was looking past me, not even acknowledging that I was there. Then, he gently put his arms under mine and dislodged my grip.  
  
"We need to talk. Alone please." His tone frightened me. I had never heard him speak like this before, serious and grave and scary almost.  
  
"O.ok. I have permission to.to." I gestured past the window, indicating the hospital grounds outside.  
  
"Good." He thrust a bunch of flowers at me, but it wasn't a gesture filled with any emotion, it was just. perfunctory. I already had a bad feeling about this.  
  
  
  
~*Hilde*~  
  
I can't remember exactly how I came to hear their conversation. Ok, I can, I was eavesdropping. But can you blame me? These two were like the It couple. They were perfect. I just wanted to hear a little bit of what went on behind the perfection. Anyway, I was just minding my own business, at least I didn't follow them. They came to me.  
  
I was sitting on a bench in the hospital grounds, out by the cemetery. I was watching the sea break on the beach below the cliffs. The tide was out, so I could just about see the shore from where I was sitting. I heard them move towards me and I was about to saw hello when I noticed that something didn't seem quite right. Duo had this look about him, you know that look of someone about to do something they don't really want to do, but feel they have to, like the kid who knocks down some old lady's mail box because his friends tell him it's a cool thing to do. He was walking kind of stiffly, kicking this can ahead of him. Angela/Camilla trailed behind, her nose buried in the carnations and walking with the grace of a dancer. They couldn't see me; I was behind the branches of this huge old oak tree. I couldn't help but gasp when I saw her. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and she was thinner than I could've imagined. Her legs were like thin poles, I didn't doubt that it took a lot of strength and energy just walking. Her elbows jutted out beneath the thin dancers wrap-around shirt, and the gap between the bottom of the shirt and the top of her skirt showed a waist small enough for me to be able to fit my hands around. I also saw a few ribs, in harsh, 3-D relief, the skin seemed to cling so tightly to her every bone. Emaciation made her face look more like a skull than anything, her cheekbones high and strangely, sickeningly beautiful. Her sunken eyes seemed to convey a sense of mysterious loss and pain.  
  
I started being able to make out what they were saying, and to my horror, they were still heading towards me. I don't know what they would've said if they'd found me.  
  
"So, how are you doing here? Are they treating you well?" duo's voice was also stiff, it seemed to give out the impression of emotionless speech. It wasn't a question asked by someone who cared, it was a question asked because the person asking thought it was the polite thing to do.  
  
But if Angela/Camilla noticed, she pretended not to. "It's ok here, I guess. Can we sit down, I'm getting a bit tired." I wasn't surprised, as I had thought; it was taking up so much of her energy just walking.  
  
"Ok. Here, this bench seems free of bird droppings." Oh god no, I thought as they sat down not ten feet away from me. They had their backs to me though, so thankfully they wouldn't see me if I chose to slip away. "How's your weight? Have you lost, gained, changed at all?"  
  
"Um. I've lost two pounds since you last saw me."  
  
"So where does that leave you? 86? 87?"  
  
" Duo, you surprise me. 83 lbs. I thought you knew that." She seemed slightly hurt that he had forgotten her great achievement. But I hardly noticed that. I was goggling over this new information I was hearing. 83 pounds? That was. was that even possible? I tried to remember how much I weighed. Jeez, I must be at least 130, maybe 140 lbs. I felt my face burn with mild embarrassment. Angela/Camilla was an inch taller than me, and about 50 lbs. lighter. But then my face stopped burning when I considered whether or not I wanted to look like her. I decided I definitely did not.  
  
"Wow, 83. That's. that's really wonderful for you. How's other stuff?"  
  
She smiled, and I could hear the smile in her voice, it was nice to hear her smile. "It's weird now, because if I don't move for like ten minutes, my whole body goes weird. And sometimes, I'll just be normal, you know? And suddenly my whole head'll start tingling. It's weird, it's like when you feel the pipes behind a wall, and I think 'I'm feeling the pipes in my brain!' " She made a loose gesture with her hand, swirled it around her right temple. "It's funny, but it kinda comforts me. At least I know it's still working."  
  
Duo removed his cap and ran a hand through his hair, then replaced the cap and began fiddling with the end of his braid. "Listen." he paused, seeing to think about what to say next, and then seeming to just decide not to carry on. There was at least a minute's silence before Angela/Camilla spoke. But this time the smiles and laughter had left her voice.  
  
"I don't like the sound of this Duo. I want to know whats going on. Please just tell me. Don't leave me hanging here like a rag doll." Even I could hear the hurt in her voice. If Duo couldn't see how much he was hurting this strange and eerily beautiful creature, then he really was as dense as I thought.  
  
"I've been thinking," In the split second that he paused, I prayed that he wouldn't say the two words that I knew would come next. "About us." After he said that, I prayed she had enough strength left in her bones to slap him. "I think that me being with you is doing you more harm than good. I'm worried about you. I really am. Thin is beauty, I know that, but how thin is too thin? When will you stop?"  
  
There was a pause, and I noticed some small pink carnation petals begin to fall to the ground. I imagined those long slender fingers reaching into that bunch of flowers and carefully removing each petal. I imagined her doing this with as much care as a surgeon, carefully moving his tools around in her body of another human. Or a mother, carefully moving the hair of a young child out of its eyes.  
  
"Have you ever wanted o fade?" her voice was unwavering, calm, but I sensed a ripple of something pure and untainted flowing through her speech. "Have you ever thought about yourself in the world, considered how insignificant you really are in the scheme of things? Have you ever just wanted to fade away, into a corner, and then totally just blink out of existence? Not even blink, blink is too large an action, just... ripple out of existence. So that no one notices you starting to fade, and no one notices that you left. Eventually, they'll forget to notice you were there in the first place. I'd rather be a never-was and never-will-be than a has-been. I'm not anything Duo. I just want to be a small ripple in the ocean. I just want to ripple."  
  
"But Angela! You're beautiful! You're wonderful and funny and attractive and kind and best of all, you're all those things all at once. How can you not see that?"  
  
"I ask you Duo," her voice was cool now, and it reminded me of someone else, I couldn't remember whom, but I associated that tone with the war, some woman from the war. But who? I struggled to remember as she carried on. "Will I ever be the most beautiful? The most wonderful? The funniest? The most attractive? The kindest? No. So whats the point in even carrying on? I will not waste my life trying to be something I can never be." I had it. She sounded like colonel Une.  
  
"Angela, living is never a waste of life. Dying is a waste of life."  
  
" Duo, we are born to die. Every second of our lives we get a little closer to dying. From the very moment we are born we start dying. The only thing that happens to every single person in the world is that they die. All of them. We are born to die."  
  
"But-" but her now icy tone cut him short.  
  
"I think you'd better go now. I have to go inside." She got up and started walking towards the hospital again. She didn't look back, for which I was thankful. If she had seen me sitting on my bench and crying, I don't know what she would have thought. The carnation petals continued to trail out behind her, like some joke version of a bridesmaid's petal throwing. I don't know when Duo left; I sat there on my bench for ten minutes before sneaking away. But he was still there when I left, and I think he might've stayed for a lot longer after that.  
  
  
  
************  
  
  
  
Ok, this is the last real chapter, after this there is just the epilogue.  
  
I had quite a few different endings for this Fic, and it could have carried on for quite a few more chapters, but my verifier deemed some of them a bit. graphic. Also, concerning the use of Hilde in this fic, well, I needed someone to be there, and the very day I happened to be looking out for someone to make into an objective viewer, dear old Hilde popped up in an episode of Gundam Wing I was watching. Also, I thought that a little bit of bitterness never made a Fanfic any worse, and who has a better reason to be bitter towards Angela than Hilde, who is soo obviously smitten with my Baby- D?  
  
So this is the end guys, it's been nice Fic-ing with you. I hope you enjoyed this Fic, and I hope that if you liked it you'll try reading some of my other ones.  
  
But don't forget to read the Epilogue!!!!!! 


	6. Epilogue

A/N: much of what I have to say was said at the end of the last chapter, but I'd just like to further say thank you all for reading, and thank you to the dragonflies again for their unwavering support and the little spark of happiness they bring me. Thank you all.  
  
  
  
~~~~ Epilogue ~~~~  
  
~* Duo *~  
  
I saw her a few times after that. Mainly when she was allowed out of the hospital to go on day trips and things. She never came back to school.  
  
She told them not to let me visit her anymore. They didn't say that of course, they called it 'doctors orders' but I could see the look Doris gave me when I came every week and asked if the doctors orders had changed. The never did.  
  
The only time I spoke to her after that was by accident. I went to go see a movie with Trowa and Wufei and I was waiting in line at the refreshments kiosk when I walked forward as she turned around and walked backwards. I knocked her over without realising who she was. As I grabbed her arm to keep her from falling on the floor I felt how thin it was and knew instantly. She didn't look up at me until she heard me apologise for spilling her drink. Then, she looked up and gave me a look so cold it hurt me. Hilde had rushed over and was helping Angela dry her wet clothes.  
  
"I . I'm really sorry." Hilde just gave me a look of disbelief and rolled her eyes.  
  
Angela bent down and started stuffing things back into her bag. "No Duo. You're not sorry. You never have been and never will be." She stood up and I felt so sick and sad seeing her bones jutting out further than they ever had before. She walked away without another word, and though I saw and noticed her a few times after that, we never spoke again, and she always ignored me when we saw each other.  
  
About six months after we broke up, and two months after I saw her at the cinema, I got a phone call from Doris at the hospital informing me that Angela had just passed away, and that her funeral would be in four days. In one of Angela's last letters to a friend she had specifically requested that I be there. In her words 'I want him to see me one last time. I want him to see me ripple.' Her and I are the only ones who knew what that meant, and in some ways it lightened and darkened my heart that she wanted me there.  
  
When the time came, I stood by my friends and hers; not hearing the words of the poem Hilde was reading out, I didn't need to hear it. I knew the words by heart. "If" by Rudyard Kipling had been her favourite poem of all time, and many times she had stated that she wanted it read out at her funeral. I wanted to throw myself at that tiny black box, I wanted to scream and cry and kick and moan and die. But I sensed that not only would it be grossly inappropriate, but it also wasn't the sort of thing people did in real life. Maybe in the movies it was common practise, but in the real world people didn't do it. So I stood by her small coffin and watched as the lowered it, watched a many people threw flowers on top, watched as many people filed past, throwing soil over them. She hadn't known truly how many people she touched with her beauty and kindness. She didn't know how many people had been cheered up by her good humour and easy, quick jokes. But I don't think even if she had known that she would have cared. When she died she had weighed 69 lbs., and she had needed an oxygen machine to keep her skeleton of a body alive. According to Doris, she continued to smile and joke to the very end.  
  
So I just filed past with the rest of them, throwing my flowers on top of her final resting-place, scattering soil over my flowers, watching as they buried her.  
  
Angela. 


End file.
